I'm not sure if anyone reads this anymore, but I have reached a decision about all the confusion I've been having lately regarding whether I want to pursue heathenry or more general neo-paganism.

 What I decided is that I'm not going to do either. I am currently going to stop researching and spend some time figuring out what it is that I believe outside of the doctrines of any particular religion, and this is what I have so far:

 1. I really like the idea of circular time. I have written myself a little prayer to say every day at sunset (because I think sunsets are the most beautiful things in existence and because, for me, they are the greatest symbol of the divine) about it being the loving union of day and night and recognizing that after sunset will be night, then dawn, then day again for all of time. But it isn't only daily. Also the moon cycles and the sun cycles and the decades and the weeks, etc.

2. The Aesir and Vanir. This is something from heathenry that I can't turn back from. Sometimes I wonder if they are the perfect gods for me, but I have made a sort of oath to them by approaching them and I know I can't get rid of them. I've made such good friends with Freya and Odin has done a little bit of bossing me around, so I know that I can't turn away from them. This is the one thing that keeps me most from thinking that it is neo-paganism. I know that neo-paganism is pretty open and I can worship the Aesir and Vanir and still be a sort of eclectic neo-pagan, but it's sort of hard for me for the reasons stated in the entry about my confusion.

 3. The sacredness of nature. This is obviously important as I am searching for an earth-based religion. Also the energy in the world and how it is recycled and all that. But that goes back to the cycles from number one.

4. I want to start meditating again. 

5. The nature of the gods is that they are anthropomorphizations of particular sets of natural forces. I have found a place where I can view Freya both as a beautiful woman, but also as a force. I can see Thor as a red bearded man, but also as Thunder. We anthropomorphize them in order to learn from them and be able to have myths about them.  In order to understand them better. But they are much more than characters in a story. They are what pushes along existence.

6. I asked myself the question of fate and free will, and what I came up with, I believe is along the lines of the beliefs of the heathens via the Norns. That is, of course, assuming I understand the Norns correctly. We exist in a balance between fate and free will. Our fates are created through the decisions we make, not by someone outside of ourselves weaving a great fabric of everyone's fates, decided long before we have been born. At the same time, I cannot believe that we always have the freedom to do whatever we want in any circumstance. The decisions that we make create the directions our lives will go, at least in part. For example, the fact that I am a dancer puts on me a fate that I would not have had had I decided to be a literature major instead. If I had been a literature major, my fate would not be to pursue a career in dance and worry whether my degree would be "legitimate" enough for me to get a job someday. Those decisions have determined the fate that I will have in my future.

7. I think I need to call myself a neo-pagan because if I call myself a heathen, I find that I feel I have no room to make it my own. As a heathen, I would feel the need to worship exactly as the ancestors did, and I don't know if that's how I want to live my life. The Nine Noble Virtues are indeed good ways of living life, but I don't know that I want to venerate my ancestors that much. I have always felt problems with my immediate ancestors, and know very little about my older ones. In fact, there is a myth in my family that I am related to Eva Braun, the lover and perhaps wife of Adolf Hitler. That's not exactly an ancestry I would like to follow. 

8. The moon is female. Not so say the heathens. A place where I wish I could change heathenry.

9. I like rituals, even if they seem a little silly when I'm not actually performing them. It's been months since I did one, but I really liked them when I did. I don't know how to do a blot.

10. The idea of a coven weirds me out. No offense to coven people, but being in a coven just does not appeal to me. On the other hand, the idea of joining a kindred really does appeal to me, and so I think that even if I decide not to be a strict reconstructionist, since I will always honor history and the Aesir and Vanir, I may still one day join a kindred.

And that's all for now.